The Un-Meaning of Life

Okay, so it's another week...and I've come to some really astute conclusions and un-conclusions.

1. I'm very non-committal aka I'm scared of commitment.
2. I'm over-committed.

Strange, isn't it?

It's time to cancel out some activities/ people that don't add to my life what I had expected out of them.

I play soccer, I volunteer at the Holocaust Museum, I have organized a cycling team at my office and plan on riding in a 2-day 180-mile trek to Austin which in turn requires a large amount of training and preparation, I am part of a book club, I love to go out with my friends to Happy Hour, I'm attempting to date and have a social life with those of the opposite sex, I'm trying to maintain a semi-functional relationship with my parents, I am a stickler for keeping up a clean, well-maintained home, I have two cats whom I love but miss very much because I'm rarely home to see them, I am trying to take initiative and demonstrate drive at work in order to possibly advance within the organization.

In the course of the week, my mind goes 100mph. Sometimes I just crash and say there are a hundred things I SHOULD be doing right now, but I'm not moving from this couch.

So I've got to prioritize.

What goes?

The cycling thing will be over mid-April, but until then, I must stay steady. Too many people counting on me. I'm too personally invested to back-out.

The museum? Again too many people counting on me, too personally invested.

Soccer? It's once a week. Low pressure. And I feel great after running around kicking people- I mean, kicking the soccer ball.

My book club? Again, I'm personally invested. And it's FUN! Besides, we must all keep our minds active...

Job? I must pay rent. And I wouldn't mind a nicer pad, so a nicer job is necessary. I'd also like to travel, buy some new shoes, be able to afford groceries, and paint, so $$$ is very necessary. I must keep investing myself at work.

My parents? God-help me if I chose to cut them out...that would just be a mistake for everyone involved.

My friends? Uh, no.

Dating and boys? Hmmm, seems pretty unnecessary at this point. Although it feels good to have someone to share life's daily battles with, in the end, they become one of life's daily battles for me. My blog indicates how much time is spent on guys. What have I gained? Some hard lessons learned? Quite a bit of time wasted pining over a doomed relationship? Time wasted on a euphoric high of a new relationship that is bound to pass? But I don't want time to pass me by either. I don't want to wake up at 35 and say wait a minute, where did all the men go? There are quite a few to chose from these days, but if I cut them out now, will they ever come back?

Un-conclusion: Perhaps I'll cut out soccer and maybe possibly let the dishes pile up once a week while I'm out on a fabulous date.

Yee Haw

I went to the Rodeo Saturday night. I threw up on the seat in front of me and also partly on my brother's shoes. Good times.

It's 5:00am, and I'm on my way out the door to a cycling ride. 62 miles. What the hell was I thinking when I signed up for this? Sometimes I just don't think things through...

On the boy front, things are GOOD. Really good. For now anyway. Ask me again next week.

Spring Fever

I've been sick for the last couple of weeks. Fighting of some type of respiratory infection. I didn't have much patience to go around. And unfortunately the whole lot of men in my life were a target...

Oh well. It's amazing how resilient men are. We beat them up verbally, sometimes with just a look, sometimes without them even realizing it. And they still love us.

I had a day to myself today. It's amazing the healing and repairing of the scratches and burns of the weekly grind that takes place when left alone for a few hours. I'm so appreciative. I'm so thankful.

I had a book club meeting at my casa this past week. I think one of the most wonderful things in life is to enjoy a full meal with a little wine discussing something you love. So very thankful...

And that's the reality of it

The first tour is done, done, and done. And it wasn't a walk in the park. You have no idea how difficult it is to stare into blank faces for an hour. At some points I wasn't even sure if I was speaking in English anymore.

I'm swearing off guys. Okay I'm not...but I get so tired of stupid boy comments. Why do they feel the need to have gross, totally inappropriate 3rd grade potty humor? Why? No, I don't want to smell your shoes. No, I don't want you to act like you are body slamming me every 5 minutes. No, I don't think its funny to find sexual references in everything I say.

Truth be told- I'm just pissy and very much missing the only man I ever truly wanted to marry. It's not right. I should have moved on already. BUT I HAVEN'T, PEOPLE. I still love that one dorky, self-righteous, arrogant, ultra-conservative, didn't know (nor care) when to shut-up little boy. Perhaps I'm just feeling a little down because I know the one I'm currently seeing just isn't the best match for me.

And so she marches on...

I miss my girl, Adriane. It would be about this time of year that we would start planning a spring fling type of vacation. A good girls' weekend to get our mind off the boys...okay, well, at least the local boys.

But Oz is just too far right now.

Soon, though, soon.